Five things to ask your Doula--and yourself. And its not what you think....

So I've served quite a few families this year, and interviewed many many more. I've also read articles about what to ask your Doula and how to interview one and how to plan for your birth and all that jazz. There's some fabulous information out there about how to plan for your best birth and make informed choices, and then advocate for those choices. This is not an article about that. This is simply my take on what makes an incredible Doula/Mom relationship--one that is not just about getting the results of a perfect natural, vaginal birth, but about finding the right support system to fulfill your emotional and physical needs. Whether your plans are fully realized, or your birth plan is detoured to a place you may not have expected, it is vital that you connect with the person you have hired to support you. Here are a few questions you might consider asking your Doula, or potential Doula. You might consider these too personal, and that is your right! To each her own, but here are a few tips.

1. What was your family life like growing up?

This might seem irrelevant to your birth, but I assure you, your OWN upbringing and family life is very relevant, and making connections to the person who needs to anticipate your emotional ups and downs in labor will greatly benefit you, and her ability to serve you. Finding common ground builds a strong empathic bridge. Whether you had an incredible supportive family, or came from a troubled home, or struggle with the loss of a parent or sibling, finding someone who can speak your language can be a wonderful comfort and allows you to shrug off the societal pressure of being a perfect person or family. Doula's don't always come from perfect families, and neither do moms.

2. What kind of music do you like? (Or alternatively, films, art, sports or other hobby)

I listed an alternative question here because music simply isn't important to everyone. But everyone has something they do in their spare time to enrich themselves culturally. Having commonality, or at least mutual respect about these preferences can bring you together in a different way. Being able to laugh about a favorite movie, or selecting a favorite album for early labor, a shared experience can promote relaxation and humor. Vital for childbirth.

3. What was the strongest bond you have had with a client, and why do you think it was like that?

Exploring what made your potential Doula connect with a former client can give you clues about whether YOU will connect with her. An alternate question would be to ask when she *didn't* necessarily connect as well as she'd have liked with a client. You aren't trying to get her to badmouth a former client, but gauging if she is self aware enough to know why she didn't jive with another human being It happens!

4. What was the most challenging thing you've dealt with in your life. 

I would preface this question with a gentle disclaimer. That is to say, encourage her to be as forthcoming or as short as she wants to be, and that she needs not delve into *why*  or the specifics, but there may be something here you have in common. Has your doula experienced life on a similar level as you? Can she have the perspective and context to be calm and strong in a difficult situation? It doesn't hurt to ask and find out.

5. What is the meaning of life?

OK. So maybe this is a bit heavy. I laughed when I wrote it out. But seriously. You don't have to have a six- hour marathon  existential coffee shop conversation to get a feel for what this person values. Find common ground in religion, spirituality, philosophy, or whatever else you want to call it, or gauge how open and respectful this person is when confronted with a different worldview. I personally find this to be the MOST important question you could ask a friend who will be seeing you through one of the most important days of your life. And ultimately a Doula is a friend. You are in a professional relationship, but you are also entering into a friendship (if you really want to get the most out of your experience.)


So now that I've given you an idea of what you might consider asking your soon to be friend. Might I also gently suggest that there are ways that you can open up to your Doula that will greatly enhance the service she can provide you, if she is the right person. Here are some things you might consider sharing with your Doula, or even a potential Doula.

1. What was YOUR family experience growing up, and what is it like NOW.

I'm not talking about the instagramed warm filtered lovely images of your perfectly prepared whole foods crock pot meal. I'm talking about the real deal. What hurt, what hurts now and why. If there is a history of abuse, I strongly encourage you to share this with your Doula.

2. What is your greatest fear about childbirth and motherhood?

If you don't think you have any, I give you props. Doula's are uniquely suited to be a balm to the fears that come with birthing a baby. Allowing your doula to know what you may be thinking, or worrying about can be just the ticket when it comes to a stalled labor, an emotional outburst or an insensitive care provider.

3. Do you have areas of your body that you don't like to be touched, or cause anxiety? What is the most comforting type of touch for you?

You may not know, and thats ok. But if you DO know, you definitely want to share this information with your Doula. It doesn't hurt to try out various comfort measures and describe how each makes you feel.

4. What has been the biggest challenge in YOUR life?

You may not have this in common, per se, with your Doula. However, simply providing this information to be filed in the back of your Doula's brain can be incredibly helpful to her. She may gently remind you when the time is appropriate, not just how strong you are, but also remind you of specific instances where you may draw strength. She may remind you of the love and protection of people who have been or are close to you now. She may draw your attention away from dark places with relevant information. Knowledge is power.

5. What kind of communicator are you? Are you introverted, extroverted, somewhere in between?

Letting someone know that you are a quiet person who may not always speak your mind can allow your doula to tell the difference between a personality trait, and something that may be wrong. Your doula needs to anticipate when she should prompt you for responses, and when she should remain silent. Knowing the way you communicate best can really help her with this task. Are you indecisive? Are you comfortable speaking for yourself? Tell her!

I want to disclaimer this post by saying, of course the level of training and experience your doula has is important. It is important to assess how professional your Doula will be at your place of birth, and how she will interact with staff. But if you want to enhance your relationship, these questions may give you a starting point. The more you share with your Doula, and the more she shares with you, the more seamlessly you will move together through labor and birth. Happy birthing to you all, and blessings on your journey to find the perfect Doula.